Week 6

October 18, 1999
Dear Diary,

http://articles.latimes.com/1999/oct/16/news/mn-22939

My parents always warn me about stranger danger. I know the threats of kidnapping from the media and many news outlets/ AMBER alerts.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing my childhood because of this.  It almost makes me paranoid to even go out into the world in order to protect my innocence.  Recently, within our city, a girl named Pamela Butler was found. It is a story well known around the small town of Grain Valley. Pamela, a young girl of 10, was out roller-blading with her sister when a stranger picked her up and threw her in his truck.  Her body was found 3 days later buried beneath sticks behind a church in Grain Valley. Luckily the man was apprehended.  It's threats like these that the media seems to escalate and instill fear in the hearts of parents and children to the point they are afraid to even go outside their homes. I have heard that this kidnapping actually occurs more often within the homes and from family members/ friends. I wish the world wasn't this way and that there wasn't so much evil... A song I listen to a lot really makes sense of this fear and how sad it is for children who need to experience the world. It is called Calling All Angels by Train.

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear,
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years,
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams,
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours...

 And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

Week 5

May 20, 2010
Dear Diary,

Today I have given a lot of thought to those less fortunate than me. I know that I am middle class and have many things handed to me. I am grateful for all the sports my parents put me into such as basketball, soccer, swimming, and tennis. I realize how lucky I am to thrive in these and use them as an exercise and social outlet.  Yet, I wonder about the poor people and racial minorities sometimes.  We don't have many African Americans at our school and I often hear about the inner city schools and Independence schools being riddled with deliquents and crime. That children are allowed to stay out after hours and do what they want to. I sometimes wish my parents were like this instead of being so strict. This is probably just me being racist due to my town's upbringing, but it sometimes frustrates me that I can't do anything about it. It seems, because I am white and middle class, I have a privilege and a sense of entitlement. On the other hand, the poorer class and minorities seem to have a sense of constraint and don't always graduate high school, which I know is necessary in this life. I graduated last week and am going to Mizzou this fall. I'm nervous, excited, and grateful. I look on Facebook at my friends sometimes and worry about those less fortunate than me that do not have this oppurtunity.

Week 4

April 25^th, 2004

Dear Diary,

I know I am under aged and that kidnapping is wrong, but sometimes I get impure thoughts about an older man kidnapping me and having his way with me. It really turns me on. I know being gay is wrong, but I am attracted to older guys and often fantasize about teachers or even older guys at my church taking advantage of me. I hate myself because of this… I have considered suicide a few times, but I know that I would go to hell in God's eyes. If I am an abomination because of these feelings, won't I be going to hell anyway? I know lots of kids commit suicide because of being gay and I saw a video on Youtube.com about how "It Gets Better", but I'm sometimes not convinced. Why do I have to wait to get older to be happy? Why am I so masculine if I am gay? Aren't I supposed to act like a girl since I am gay? Isn't that how gender and sexuality work? I'm often scared of putting off feminine qualities, like my sensitivity and regard for others. Afraid that someone will find out. This small, close minded town of Grain Valley and my Catholic church would not be accepting. My parents too. I just don't know what to do. Hide this the rest of my life? Maybe there is something wrong with me psychologically that a therapist could fix. Or maybe it is because my dad is an alcoholic and I have "father issues". Sometimes I feel like this was my fault that I turned out this way... That I chose this path.

October 18, 2008
Dear Diary,
So I have really been getting into music lately. I love 90s alternative rock that I grew up with and love listening to the lyrics and analyze them in the context of my life now in high school. One song stands out to me so much: Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.

 


No change, I can change

I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no.

These lyrics from Bittersweet Symphony are very relatable. As a very empathetic person that is able to feel with others, I sometimes feel like I have  multiple personality disorder. I find myself acting differently around other people and projecting what I want someone to think of me on a variety of people. When interacting with strangers or people outside of my group of friends, I find myself to be overly nice, quiet, shy, introspective, and self analytical.  I want someone to like me and often limit parts of who I am in order to fit in. Especially with the "jocks". It's always been odd with me because I have always been good at sports and participate in tennis and soccer, but my closest friends are "nerds" and "wallflowers" like me. I hear the jocks on my teams talk about sex, partying, and belittling other people, and I just don't fit in. I feel like Lewis Carrol's "Through the Looking Glass". Yet, like in the song, I can't truly change who I am though I attempt to.

Week 3

January 5^th , 2010

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day as an A+ tutor. As a fairly empathetic individual that hasn’t had much experience with children, I found it very odd to assume the adult role in the classroom of these 2^nd graders. I wanted the kids to like me and sort of took on a “least-adult” role and was more observant in the classroom. I found this to be problematic for my teacher and I. This might have been due to my lack of authority interfering with my tutoring efforts and attempts to keep kids on task. It was tough to maintain the relationship that would meet the demands of the children and the demands of the “responsible adults”. 

March 11^th , 2003

Dear Diary,

The internet is so cool! My family just recently got DSL! I was getting so tired of dial up that I could barely play Runescape on. I signed up for MySpace.com and have heard about a new site called Facebook.com that I don’t know much about. MySpace is really cool to share music, hobbies, and pictures on! My parents don’t really know what I’m talking about however, and often need help while using the internet. I think it’s the generational gap. The only way I really connect with my parents anymore is when we watch movies, especially Disney or Steven Spielberg ones.  I think this is because of the adult and child humor incorporated into the films. Disney has always been good at that and the Indiana Jones series is such a tasteful family movie. I just hate the pressures of being told to act my age or grow up. I’m still a kid, right?