Week 4

April 25^th, 2004

Dear Diary,

I know I am under aged and that kidnapping is wrong, but sometimes I get impure thoughts about an older man kidnapping me and having his way with me. It really turns me on. I know being gay is wrong, but I am attracted to older guys and often fantasize about teachers or even older guys at my church taking advantage of me. I hate myself because of this… I have considered suicide a few times, but I know that I would go to hell in God's eyes. If I am an abomination because of these feelings, won't I be going to hell anyway? I know lots of kids commit suicide because of being gay and I saw a video on Youtube.com about how "It Gets Better", but I'm sometimes not convinced. Why do I have to wait to get older to be happy? Why am I so masculine if I am gay? Aren't I supposed to act like a girl since I am gay? Isn't that how gender and sexuality work? I'm often scared of putting off feminine qualities, like my sensitivity and regard for others. Afraid that someone will find out. This small, close minded town of Grain Valley and my Catholic church would not be accepting. My parents too. I just don't know what to do. Hide this the rest of my life? Maybe there is something wrong with me psychologically that a therapist could fix. Or maybe it is because my dad is an alcoholic and I have "father issues". Sometimes I feel like this was my fault that I turned out this way... That I chose this path.

October 18, 2008
Dear Diary,
So I have really been getting into music lately. I love 90s alternative rock that I grew up with and love listening to the lyrics and analyze them in the context of my life now in high school. One song stands out to me so much: Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.

 


No change, I can change

I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no.

These lyrics from Bittersweet Symphony are very relatable. As a very empathetic person that is able to feel with others, I sometimes feel like I have  multiple personality disorder. I find myself acting differently around other people and projecting what I want someone to think of me on a variety of people. When interacting with strangers or people outside of my group of friends, I find myself to be overly nice, quiet, shy, introspective, and self analytical.  I want someone to like me and often limit parts of who I am in order to fit in. Especially with the "jocks". It's always been odd with me because I have always been good at sports and participate in tennis and soccer, but my closest friends are "nerds" and "wallflowers" like me. I hear the jocks on my teams talk about sex, partying, and belittling other people, and I just don't fit in. I feel like Lewis Carrol's "Through the Looking Glass". Yet, like in the song, I can't truly change who I am though I attempt to.