April 15, 1997
Dear Diary,
I've noticed that in all of my favorite movies, the children are left alone, neglected, and often independent of their parents/ guardians. Movies and books like James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, Home Alone, and Baby's Day Out completely remove the parental role in various ways, replacing that authority figure or mentor with something else. It seems to challenge the nuclear family and the roles that are considered "normal" for a child's upbringing. For some reason, I like these movies a lot. It often shows the child outsmarting the adult in various ways. For example, Matilda often outsmarts Mrs. Trunchbull and even her father by using her supernatural powers. This is also associated with sense of wonder and nostalgia that is associated with childhood. Home Alone and Baby's Day Out are very similar in which a child and even an infant outsmart kidnappers as the parents are completely helpless and/or clueless. This commodification of childhood is a very clever marketing ploy that my family and I gave into.
Here's one of my favorite scenes from Matilda in which Danny Devito gets angry at Matilda for reading her books. I always remember this movie making me want to read more so I could be like Matilda...
December 25, 1999
Dear Diary, It's Christmas! For Christmas I received the movie Pocahontas and a lot of toys I wanted that I saw on T.V. One of my favorite new toys is the Slip N' Slide! It sometimes worries me that I am being marketed toward so rigorously in the media. Especially on stations like Kids WB. My family doesn't have cable, but many of the stations market to kids like we are consumers and have the money to afford all these things. It is very frustrating at times, to me and my parents, as I find many things I want but can't have due to money constraints. Was it always this way?
January 20, 2000
Dear Diary,
We are learning about the real story of Pocahontas and John Smith in class today. It really made me sad. I've seen the Disney movie so many times now, yet it is disappointing to discover that it is mostly untrue. Pocahontas was about 13 or 14 when she saved John Smith. She also was kidnapped and kept hostage in Jamestown for a year. She was forced to convert to Christianity and eventually married John Rolfe. Unlike the ending of the movie, where she chooses to stay with her people, Pocahontas was actually sent to England where she was a spectacle for the people there. I know it's just a movie, but why was Disney trying to enact a "history lesson" to children if it is untrue. It seems like Disney likes to incorporate magic and romanticism to appeal to us kids. I still enjoy the movie, but feel the effects of marketing to our uneducated minds; feeling a bit exploited.
My parents always warn me about stranger danger. I know the threats of kidnapping from the media and many news outlets/ AMBER alerts. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my childhood because of this. It almost makes me paranoid to even go out into the world in order to protect my innocence. Recently, within our city, a girl named Pamela Butler was found. It is a story well known around the small town of Grain Valley. Pamela, a young girl of 10, was out roller-blading with her sister when a stranger picked her up and threw her in his truck. Her body was found 3 days later buried beneath sticks behind a church in Grain Valley. Luckily the man was apprehended. It's threats like these that the media seems to escalate and instill fear in the hearts of parents and children to the point they are afraid to even go outside their homes. I have heard that this kidnapping actually occurs more often within the homes and from family members/ friends. I wish the world wasn't this way and that there wasn't so much evil... A song I listen to a lot really makes sense of this fear and how sad it is for children who need to experience the world. It is called Calling All Angels by Train.
When children have to play inside so they don't disappear,
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years,
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams,
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours...
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Today I have given a lot of thought to those less fortunate than me. I know that I am middle class and have many things handed to me. I am grateful for all the sports my parents put me into such as basketball, soccer, swimming, and tennis. I realize how lucky I am to thrive in these and use them as an exercise and social outlet. Yet, I wonder about the poor people and racial minorities sometimes. We don't have many African Americans at our school and I often hear about the inner city schools and Independence schools being riddled with deliquents and crime. That children are allowed to stay out after hours and do what they want to. I sometimes wish my parents were like this instead of being so strict. This is probably just me being racist due to my town's upbringing, but it sometimes frustrates me that I can't do anything about it. It seems, because I am white and middle class, I have a privilege and a sense of entitlement. On the other hand, the poorer class and minorities seem to have a sense of constraint and don't always graduate high school, which I know is necessary in this life. I graduated last week and am going to Mizzou this fall. I'm nervous, excited, and grateful. I look on Facebook at my friends sometimes and worry about those less fortunate than me that do not have this oppurtunity.
I know I am under
aged and that kidnapping is wrong, but sometimes I get impure thoughts about an
older man kidnapping me and having his way with me. It really turns me on. I know being gay is wrong,
but I am attracted to older guys and often fantasize about teachers or even
older guys at my church taking advantage of me. I hate myself because of this… I have considered suicide a few times, but I know that I would go to hell in God's eyes. If I am an abomination because of these feelings, won't I be going to hell anyway? I know lots of kids commit suicide because of being gay and I saw a video on Youtube.com about how "It Gets Better", but I'm sometimes not convinced. Why do I have to wait to get older to be happy? Why am I so masculine if I am gay? Aren't I supposed to act like a girl since I am gay? Isn't that how gender and sexuality work? I'm often scared of putting off feminine qualities, like my sensitivity and regard for others. Afraid that someone will find out. This small, close minded town of Grain Valley and my Catholic church would not be accepting. My parents too. I just don't know what to do. Hide this the rest of my life? Maybe there is something wrong with me psychologically that a therapist could fix. Or maybe it is because my dad is an alcoholic and I have "father issues". Sometimes I feel like this was my fault that I turned out this way... That I chose this path.
October 18, 2008 Dear Diary, So I have really been getting into music lately. I love 90s alternative rock that I grew up with and love listening to the lyrics and analyze them in the context of my life now in high school. One song stands out to me so much: Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no.
These lyrics from Bittersweet Symphony are very relatable. As a very empathetic person that is able to feel with others, I sometimes feel like I have multiple personality disorder. I find myself acting differently around other people and projecting what I want someone to think of me on a variety of people. When interacting with strangers or people outside of my group of friends, I find myself to be overly nice, quiet, shy, introspective, and self analytical. I want someone to like me and often limit parts of who I am in order to fit in. Especially with the "jocks". It's always been odd with me because I have always been good at sports and participate in tennis and soccer, but my closest friends are "nerds" and "wallflowers" like me. I hear the jocks on my teams talk about sex, partying, and belittling other people, and I just don't fit in. I feel like Lewis Carrol's "Through the Looking Glass". Yet, like in the song, I can't truly change who I am though I attempt to.
Today was my first day
as an A+ tutor. As a fairly empathetic individual that hasn’t had much
experience with children, I found it very odd to assume the adult role in the
classroom of these 2nd graders. I wanted the kids to like me and
sort of took on a “least-adult” role and was more observant in the classroom. I
found this to be problematic for my teacher and I. This might have been due to
my lack of authority interfering with my tutoring efforts and attempts to keep
kids on task. It was tough to maintain the relationship that would meet the
demands of the children and the demands of the “responsible adults”.
March 11th , 2003
Dear Diary,
The internet is so
cool! My family just recently got DSL! I was getting so tired of dial up that I
could barely play Runescape on. I signed up for MySpace.com and have heard
about a new site called Facebook.com that I don’t know much about. MySpace is
really cool to share music, hobbies, and pictures on! My parents don’t really
know what I’m talking about however, and often need help while using the
internet. I think it’s the generational gap. The only way I really connect with
my parents anymore is when we watch movies, especially Disney or Steven
Spielberg ones.I think this is because
of the adult and child humor incorporated into the films. Disney has always been
good at that and the Indiana Jones series is such a tasteful family movie. I
just hate the pressures of being told to act my age or grow up. I’m still a
kid, right?
