Week 15

May 1, 2008
Dear Diary,

Navigating high school can prove to be a challenge. Maintaining the constantly policed masculine nature of what "it means to be a man" is even tougher.  I feel the constant pressure to own up to masculine qualities as an adolescent. My dad got me a playboy magazine for my birthday and a poster of Kirsten Dunst. Without any interest in either because of my orientation, I smiled and pretended I thought they were "hot" and thanked my dad.  I also hear the word "fag" being tossed around constantly in school. It doesn't always describe someone as homosexual, but usually groups someone into the category of "feminine in nature". I find myself constantly self-monitoring in order to maintain my "masculine status". Oftentimes, when hanging out with my friends, they like to participate in wrestling or UFC fighting. I never partake, because I just don't like the idea of violence or the potential of hurting another person.  This makes me feel like an outcast at times and have been called a "pussy" before for not doing it.  Even at school dances, this masculine identity is being policed and upheld. It is promoted and deemed as socially acceptable for a guy to ask the girl to the dance. I find it interesting that when guys get in a fight at school, it is deemed as a normal fight and written off as "boys being boys".  Yet, when girls get into a fight, it is gendered and people often yell "Cat Fight!", finding humor in the event (and oftentimes is deemed as sexual).

The thing that bothers me the most is this notion that guys are also not supposed to show emotion, which I feel doesn't fit with my schema at all. I have always been very empathetic and cry at times like we all do.  This doesn't mean I'm not masculine, I am merely human.

An interesting take on this concept of masculinity is shown in the movie "Boys Don't Cry".  The film is a dramatization of the real-life story of Brandon Teena, a trans man played in the film by Hilary Swank, who is beaten, raped and murdered by his male acquaintances after they discover he is anatomically female. The picture explores the themes of what it means to be "masculine", even with the identity of a anatomical female that identifies as a male.

Week 14

April 25, 2010
Dear Diary,
As a white, middle class, Catholic, gay male, I feel the intersections of my identity are conflicting while at the same time unified in some aspects.  As a white, middle class male I obviously have a lot of privilege and feel like I fit in to my dominantly white high school in the small town of Grain Valley. I don't actually have an African American friends which I kind of feel bad about, but its hard when there are none really around to befriend. My identity as gay and Catholic kind of keeps me in the closet. I haven't told anyone, and have never dated/ don't plan on it.  In Catholic religion, sex is a completely taboo subject, and the concept of gay sex is complete immoral. I am sometimes comforted in the media, however. The typical queer person is a white gay male in the media which gives me hope. Even the "It gets better" video are two white, gay males. I can't help but think of how it would be different had I been gay and black.  W.E.B. DuBois explains the concept of double consciousness, in a sense living two lives. I have felt this way in terms of my sexual orientation, but not as race that DuBois and many African Americans experience. The veil, or facade, that African Americans must wear to "fit in" to the dominant white culture is very salient with the veil I wear to fit into heternormativity. I just hope I can stop hiding this someday, and maybe take another look at religion to eliminate the feeling that I am an abomination in God's eyes.

Week 13

February 20, 2012
Dear Diary,
As a sophomore in college, I feel like I have let myself and my family down abusing weed. I never touched it before, or any drug for that matter, but fell into the spiral last fall.  I used it as a crutch before coming out, which I have still yet to do.  Aren't I supposed to be an adult and not act so childish? I also failed my first class ever. I used to get all A's, I can't believe I failed a class. Emerging adulthood is characterized by risk taking and morality play.  I used to completely judge people who took drugs and deemed them as bad people. Now that I have experienced this drug abuse myself, who am I to judge? I feel like a bad person myself for lying to my parents and using their money to buy so much weed. I mean, I'm almost 21 now, shouldn't I be acting like an adult, not an adolescent still? I really want to find love since I have never experienced it but don't know how since I am gay. I'm too afraid to walk into the LGBTQ Resource Center and have already tried to change myself and make myself "straight".  I guess it's just a period of identity exploration, but I would like to actually act upon my orientation someday...

Week 12

 May 8, 2014
I think I might have a social media/ texting addiction.  I know that it activates certain dopamine receptors in my brain when I receive a text message. I notice it a lot of the time while studying or when I am tired of writing a paper. I'll check my phone out of instinct, if only for a split second of dopamine transporter activation. I think I should just turn my phone off when I study. When I receive a text message, it's almost as if I have a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog.  I get a rush of excitement to see what someone says to me. It also happens before I go to sleep.  I notice that after responding to the text, I am extremely slow at getting back into the material I was studying.  I also use my phone in class a lot, which I think most professors hate so I am trying to cut down on that. I usually respond right away to text messages or IM's and I see lots of other college students doing the same thing. I am also carrying out multiple conversations. I actually read a study  that claims there are  "three ways in which IMing might interfere with academic reading: (a) displacement of time available for study, (b) direct interference while studying, and (c) development of a cognitive style of short and shifting attention...The distracting, multitasking nature of IMing was apparent. Most (63%) responded right away whenever they received an instant message and were IMing three or four people at the same time. The majority were involved in other activities while IMing, with 30% doing academic work at the same time."

These results yielded to be very eye opening to me, and were very relatable.  Our generation seems to have a huge technology dependency that mostly revolves around our smart phones and social networking websites.

Week 11

April 25, 2008
Dear Diary,
As a 16 year old sophomore in high school, I feel adolescence is very ruled by angst.  Sleeping in is also very important for me and I am not a morning person at all; more of a night owl.  Adolescence seems to be defined by "coming of age", controlled by raging hormones, peer-oriented, and signified by age.  Throughout all of high school, the band Linkin Park has been my favorite.  They are the epitome and definition of angst that many people avoid due to their sad, angry, and rebellious sound. I find their sound to be very well suited to my adolescent experience thus far.  My hormones have more been triggered by my attraction to older guys, that I don't really get to experience at all.  So, the theory that my decisions are driven by my hormones if completely false for me.  Within school, I hear guys talking about sex with girls, but I often don't partake in the conversation because I am a virgin.  The subject of sex is also very taboo in the context of Catholic religion.  My favorite song right now, that often brings me to tears is Crawling by Linkin Park.  It has very generic, angsty lyrics but I like that. And I often look at myself in the mirror; feeling insecure, isolated, confused, and fearful. I think I may have depression and have thoughts of suicide, but I guess that is just the "coming of age" aspect of growing up...

Week 10

May 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
As my Freshman year comes to a close, I look back at all the times I have managed hiding being gay.  It bothers me a lot, hiding these feelings and having to pretend I am "straight" with friends.  Impression management is something Goffman refers to as the desire to control the way others see us - to convince them we are who we say we are.  I have done this in numerous ways.  First of all, I asked a girl to homecoming. Her name is Kayla.  I used to joke with her a lot when I was younger, which confuses me now because I am so much more shy and awkward around girls.  It took a lot of guts to ask her, but I did it. I think the only reason she said yes was because another guy asked her that she didn't like.  I guess this was good for my high school reputation. Although we didn't dance at all or really talk much, at least I had a date to give off that "straight personal front". At the end of the year, I discovered a friend of mine, named Desiree, really liked Metallica. This surprised me and she wanted to go with me to a Metallica concert. I said yes, thinking we were going as friends.  It was an amazing show.  Desiree continued to text me and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I said yes and awkwardly brought my friend Kevin along, which she didn't like.  She told me that she liked me and that she wanted a relationship.  This was the first time I have experienced somebody attracted to me, so I felt really bad letting her down.  I just told her "I am not ready for a relationship" so that she wouldn't somehow find out I was gay and word would spread. 

My "date" and I are on the right.

 

Week 9

September 11, 2001
Dear Diary,

I went to school today thinking there was something terribly wrong by something I had heard about a building being hit by a plane on the radio. When I arrived to school, we watched as the twin towers in New York City were hit again by another plane.  We were then sent home.  The entirety of the U.S. was in a state of awe, panic, and sadness. I thought it was an accident, so did most of my peers and my family.  Yet, as another plane hit, it became clear that it was an act of terrorism.  When the buildings collapsed, I cried for the people in the building, and a little bit angry at the people who caused this. I wish I could speak out and have a voice in politics or the media on this day.  I know I'm too young to vote, but sometimes I wish I had a say in our leaders.  Not to say that this was Bush's fault, but his reaction to the situation was very delayed. I sometimes fear I wouldn't be a good politician, however.  The little amount of politics we endure as children in our classes and school requires a lot of dedication and responsibility.  In real world politics this is true, but it also seems like there is a lot of deceit, lies, and slandering. It is such a sad event that our nation has endured, but I feel it has brought us together as a more patriotic nation.