Week 15

May 1, 2008
Dear Diary,

Navigating high school can prove to be a challenge. Maintaining the constantly policed masculine nature of what "it means to be a man" is even tougher.  I feel the constant pressure to own up to masculine qualities as an adolescent. My dad got me a playboy magazine for my birthday and a poster of Kirsten Dunst. Without any interest in either because of my orientation, I smiled and pretended I thought they were "hot" and thanked my dad.  I also hear the word "fag" being tossed around constantly in school. It doesn't always describe someone as homosexual, but usually groups someone into the category of "feminine in nature". I find myself constantly self-monitoring in order to maintain my "masculine status". Oftentimes, when hanging out with my friends, they like to participate in wrestling or UFC fighting. I never partake, because I just don't like the idea of violence or the potential of hurting another person.  This makes me feel like an outcast at times and have been called a "pussy" before for not doing it.  Even at school dances, this masculine identity is being policed and upheld. It is promoted and deemed as socially acceptable for a guy to ask the girl to the dance. I find it interesting that when guys get in a fight at school, it is deemed as a normal fight and written off as "boys being boys".  Yet, when girls get into a fight, it is gendered and people often yell "Cat Fight!", finding humor in the event (and oftentimes is deemed as sexual).

The thing that bothers me the most is this notion that guys are also not supposed to show emotion, which I feel doesn't fit with my schema at all. I have always been very empathetic and cry at times like we all do.  This doesn't mean I'm not masculine, I am merely human.

An interesting take on this concept of masculinity is shown in the movie "Boys Don't Cry".  The film is a dramatization of the real-life story of Brandon Teena, a trans man played in the film by Hilary Swank, who is beaten, raped and murdered by his male acquaintances after they discover he is anatomically female. The picture explores the themes of what it means to be "masculine", even with the identity of a anatomical female that identifies as a male.

Week 14

April 25, 2010
Dear Diary,
As a white, middle class, Catholic, gay male, I feel the intersections of my identity are conflicting while at the same time unified in some aspects.  As a white, middle class male I obviously have a lot of privilege and feel like I fit in to my dominantly white high school in the small town of Grain Valley. I don't actually have an African American friends which I kind of feel bad about, but its hard when there are none really around to befriend. My identity as gay and Catholic kind of keeps me in the closet. I haven't told anyone, and have never dated/ don't plan on it.  In Catholic religion, sex is a completely taboo subject, and the concept of gay sex is complete immoral. I am sometimes comforted in the media, however. The typical queer person is a white gay male in the media which gives me hope. Even the "It gets better" video are two white, gay males. I can't help but think of how it would be different had I been gay and black.  W.E.B. DuBois explains the concept of double consciousness, in a sense living two lives. I have felt this way in terms of my sexual orientation, but not as race that DuBois and many African Americans experience. The veil, or facade, that African Americans must wear to "fit in" to the dominant white culture is very salient with the veil I wear to fit into heternormativity. I just hope I can stop hiding this someday, and maybe take another look at religion to eliminate the feeling that I am an abomination in God's eyes.

Week 13

February 20, 2012
Dear Diary,
As a sophomore in college, I feel like I have let myself and my family down abusing weed. I never touched it before, or any drug for that matter, but fell into the spiral last fall.  I used it as a crutch before coming out, which I have still yet to do.  Aren't I supposed to be an adult and not act so childish? I also failed my first class ever. I used to get all A's, I can't believe I failed a class. Emerging adulthood is characterized by risk taking and morality play.  I used to completely judge people who took drugs and deemed them as bad people. Now that I have experienced this drug abuse myself, who am I to judge? I feel like a bad person myself for lying to my parents and using their money to buy so much weed. I mean, I'm almost 21 now, shouldn't I be acting like an adult, not an adolescent still? I really want to find love since I have never experienced it but don't know how since I am gay. I'm too afraid to walk into the LGBTQ Resource Center and have already tried to change myself and make myself "straight".  I guess it's just a period of identity exploration, but I would like to actually act upon my orientation someday...

Week 12

 May 8, 2014
I think I might have a social media/ texting addiction.  I know that it activates certain dopamine receptors in my brain when I receive a text message. I notice it a lot of the time while studying or when I am tired of writing a paper. I'll check my phone out of instinct, if only for a split second of dopamine transporter activation. I think I should just turn my phone off when I study. When I receive a text message, it's almost as if I have a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog.  I get a rush of excitement to see what someone says to me. It also happens before I go to sleep.  I notice that after responding to the text, I am extremely slow at getting back into the material I was studying.  I also use my phone in class a lot, which I think most professors hate so I am trying to cut down on that. I usually respond right away to text messages or IM's and I see lots of other college students doing the same thing. I am also carrying out multiple conversations. I actually read a study  that claims there are  "three ways in which IMing might interfere with academic reading: (a) displacement of time available for study, (b) direct interference while studying, and (c) development of a cognitive style of short and shifting attention...The distracting, multitasking nature of IMing was apparent. Most (63%) responded right away whenever they received an instant message and were IMing three or four people at the same time. The majority were involved in other activities while IMing, with 30% doing academic work at the same time."

These results yielded to be very eye opening to me, and were very relatable.  Our generation seems to have a huge technology dependency that mostly revolves around our smart phones and social networking websites.

Week 11

April 25, 2008
Dear Diary,
As a 16 year old sophomore in high school, I feel adolescence is very ruled by angst.  Sleeping in is also very important for me and I am not a morning person at all; more of a night owl.  Adolescence seems to be defined by "coming of age", controlled by raging hormones, peer-oriented, and signified by age.  Throughout all of high school, the band Linkin Park has been my favorite.  They are the epitome and definition of angst that many people avoid due to their sad, angry, and rebellious sound. I find their sound to be very well suited to my adolescent experience thus far.  My hormones have more been triggered by my attraction to older guys, that I don't really get to experience at all.  So, the theory that my decisions are driven by my hormones if completely false for me.  Within school, I hear guys talking about sex with girls, but I often don't partake in the conversation because I am a virgin.  The subject of sex is also very taboo in the context of Catholic religion.  My favorite song right now, that often brings me to tears is Crawling by Linkin Park.  It has very generic, angsty lyrics but I like that. And I often look at myself in the mirror; feeling insecure, isolated, confused, and fearful. I think I may have depression and have thoughts of suicide, but I guess that is just the "coming of age" aspect of growing up...

Week 10

May 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
As my Freshman year comes to a close, I look back at all the times I have managed hiding being gay.  It bothers me a lot, hiding these feelings and having to pretend I am "straight" with friends.  Impression management is something Goffman refers to as the desire to control the way others see us - to convince them we are who we say we are.  I have done this in numerous ways.  First of all, I asked a girl to homecoming. Her name is Kayla.  I used to joke with her a lot when I was younger, which confuses me now because I am so much more shy and awkward around girls.  It took a lot of guts to ask her, but I did it. I think the only reason she said yes was because another guy asked her that she didn't like.  I guess this was good for my high school reputation. Although we didn't dance at all or really talk much, at least I had a date to give off that "straight personal front". At the end of the year, I discovered a friend of mine, named Desiree, really liked Metallica. This surprised me and she wanted to go with me to a Metallica concert. I said yes, thinking we were going as friends.  It was an amazing show.  Desiree continued to text me and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I said yes and awkwardly brought my friend Kevin along, which she didn't like.  She told me that she liked me and that she wanted a relationship.  This was the first time I have experienced somebody attracted to me, so I felt really bad letting her down.  I just told her "I am not ready for a relationship" so that she wouldn't somehow find out I was gay and word would spread. 

My "date" and I are on the right.

 

Week 9

September 11, 2001
Dear Diary,

I went to school today thinking there was something terribly wrong by something I had heard about a building being hit by a plane on the radio. When I arrived to school, we watched as the twin towers in New York City were hit again by another plane.  We were then sent home.  The entirety of the U.S. was in a state of awe, panic, and sadness. I thought it was an accident, so did most of my peers and my family.  Yet, as another plane hit, it became clear that it was an act of terrorism.  When the buildings collapsed, I cried for the people in the building, and a little bit angry at the people who caused this. I wish I could speak out and have a voice in politics or the media on this day.  I know I'm too young to vote, but sometimes I wish I had a say in our leaders.  Not to say that this was Bush's fault, but his reaction to the situation was very delayed. I sometimes fear I wouldn't be a good politician, however.  The little amount of politics we endure as children in our classes and school requires a lot of dedication and responsibility.  In real world politics this is true, but it also seems like there is a lot of deceit, lies, and slandering. It is such a sad event that our nation has endured, but I feel it has brought us together as a more patriotic nation. 

Week 8

April 15, 1997
Dear Diary,
I've noticed that in all of my favorite movies, the children are left alone, neglected, and often independent of their parents/ guardians.  Movies and books like James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, Home Alone, and Baby's Day Out completely remove the parental role in various ways, replacing that authority figure or mentor with something else.  It seems to challenge the nuclear family and the roles that are considered "normal" for a child's upbringing. For some reason, I like these movies a lot.  It often shows the child outsmarting the adult in various ways.  For example, Matilda often outsmarts Mrs. Trunchbull and even her father by using her supernatural powers.  This is also associated with sense of wonder and nostalgia that is associated with childhood.  Home Alone and Baby's Day Out are very similar in which a child and even an infant outsmart kidnappers as the parents are completely helpless and/or clueless.  This commodification of childhood is a very clever marketing ploy that my family and I gave into.

Here's one of my favorite scenes from Matilda in which Danny Devito gets angry at Matilda for reading her books.  I always remember this movie making me want to read more so I could be like Matilda...

Week 7

December 25, 1999
Dear Diary,
It's Christmas! For Christmas I received the movie Pocahontas and a lot of toys I wanted that I saw on T.V. One of my favorite new toys is the Slip N' Slide! It sometimes worries me that I am being marketed toward so rigorously in the media.  Especially on stations like Kids WB.  My family doesn't have cable, but many of the stations market to kids like we are consumers and have the money to afford all these things.  It is very frustrating at times, to me and my parents, as I find many things I want but can't have due to money constraints.  Was it always this way?


January 20, 2000
Dear Diary,
We are learning about the real story of Pocahontas and John Smith in class today.  It really made me sad.  I've seen the Disney movie so many times now, yet it is disappointing to discover that it is mostly untrue.  Pocahontas was about 13 or 14 when she saved John Smith.  She also was kidnapped and kept hostage in Jamestown for a year. She was forced to convert to Christianity and eventually married John Rolfe. Unlike the ending of the movie, where she chooses to stay with her people, Pocahontas was actually sent to England where she was a spectacle for the people there.  I know it's just a movie, but why was Disney trying to enact a "history lesson" to children if it is untrue.  It seems like Disney likes to incorporate magic and romanticism to appeal to us kids.  I still enjoy the movie, but feel the effects of marketing to our uneducated minds; feeling a bit exploited.

Week 6

October 18, 1999
Dear Diary,

http://articles.latimes.com/1999/oct/16/news/mn-22939

My parents always warn me about stranger danger. I know the threats of kidnapping from the media and many news outlets/ AMBER alerts.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing my childhood because of this.  It almost makes me paranoid to even go out into the world in order to protect my innocence.  Recently, within our city, a girl named Pamela Butler was found. It is a story well known around the small town of Grain Valley. Pamela, a young girl of 10, was out roller-blading with her sister when a stranger picked her up and threw her in his truck.  Her body was found 3 days later buried beneath sticks behind a church in Grain Valley. Luckily the man was apprehended.  It's threats like these that the media seems to escalate and instill fear in the hearts of parents and children to the point they are afraid to even go outside their homes. I have heard that this kidnapping actually occurs more often within the homes and from family members/ friends. I wish the world wasn't this way and that there wasn't so much evil... A song I listen to a lot really makes sense of this fear and how sad it is for children who need to experience the world. It is called Calling All Angels by Train.

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear,
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years,
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams,
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours...

 And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

Week 5

May 20, 2010
Dear Diary,

Today I have given a lot of thought to those less fortunate than me. I know that I am middle class and have many things handed to me. I am grateful for all the sports my parents put me into such as basketball, soccer, swimming, and tennis. I realize how lucky I am to thrive in these and use them as an exercise and social outlet.  Yet, I wonder about the poor people and racial minorities sometimes.  We don't have many African Americans at our school and I often hear about the inner city schools and Independence schools being riddled with deliquents and crime. That children are allowed to stay out after hours and do what they want to. I sometimes wish my parents were like this instead of being so strict. This is probably just me being racist due to my town's upbringing, but it sometimes frustrates me that I can't do anything about it. It seems, because I am white and middle class, I have a privilege and a sense of entitlement. On the other hand, the poorer class and minorities seem to have a sense of constraint and don't always graduate high school, which I know is necessary in this life. I graduated last week and am going to Mizzou this fall. I'm nervous, excited, and grateful. I look on Facebook at my friends sometimes and worry about those less fortunate than me that do not have this oppurtunity.

Week 4

April 25^th, 2004

Dear Diary,

I know I am under aged and that kidnapping is wrong, but sometimes I get impure thoughts about an older man kidnapping me and having his way with me. It really turns me on. I know being gay is wrong, but I am attracted to older guys and often fantasize about teachers or even older guys at my church taking advantage of me. I hate myself because of this… I have considered suicide a few times, but I know that I would go to hell in God's eyes. If I am an abomination because of these feelings, won't I be going to hell anyway? I know lots of kids commit suicide because of being gay and I saw a video on Youtube.com about how "It Gets Better", but I'm sometimes not convinced. Why do I have to wait to get older to be happy? Why am I so masculine if I am gay? Aren't I supposed to act like a girl since I am gay? Isn't that how gender and sexuality work? I'm often scared of putting off feminine qualities, like my sensitivity and regard for others. Afraid that someone will find out. This small, close minded town of Grain Valley and my Catholic church would not be accepting. My parents too. I just don't know what to do. Hide this the rest of my life? Maybe there is something wrong with me psychologically that a therapist could fix. Or maybe it is because my dad is an alcoholic and I have "father issues". Sometimes I feel like this was my fault that I turned out this way... That I chose this path.

October 18, 2008
Dear Diary,
So I have really been getting into music lately. I love 90s alternative rock that I grew up with and love listening to the lyrics and analyze them in the context of my life now in high school. One song stands out to me so much: Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.

 


No change, I can change

I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no.

These lyrics from Bittersweet Symphony are very relatable. As a very empathetic person that is able to feel with others, I sometimes feel like I have  multiple personality disorder. I find myself acting differently around other people and projecting what I want someone to think of me on a variety of people. When interacting with strangers or people outside of my group of friends, I find myself to be overly nice, quiet, shy, introspective, and self analytical.  I want someone to like me and often limit parts of who I am in order to fit in. Especially with the "jocks". It's always been odd with me because I have always been good at sports and participate in tennis and soccer, but my closest friends are "nerds" and "wallflowers" like me. I hear the jocks on my teams talk about sex, partying, and belittling other people, and I just don't fit in. I feel like Lewis Carrol's "Through the Looking Glass". Yet, like in the song, I can't truly change who I am though I attempt to.

Week 3

January 5^th , 2010

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day as an A+ tutor. As a fairly empathetic individual that hasn’t had much experience with children, I found it very odd to assume the adult role in the classroom of these 2^nd graders. I wanted the kids to like me and sort of took on a “least-adult” role and was more observant in the classroom. I found this to be problematic for my teacher and I. This might have been due to my lack of authority interfering with my tutoring efforts and attempts to keep kids on task. It was tough to maintain the relationship that would meet the demands of the children and the demands of the “responsible adults”. 

March 11^th , 2003

Dear Diary,

The internet is so cool! My family just recently got DSL! I was getting so tired of dial up that I could barely play Runescape on. I signed up for MySpace.com and have heard about a new site called Facebook.com that I don’t know much about. MySpace is really cool to share music, hobbies, and pictures on! My parents don’t really know what I’m talking about however, and often need help while using the internet. I think it’s the generational gap. The only way I really connect with my parents anymore is when we watch movies, especially Disney or Steven Spielberg ones.  I think this is because of the adult and child humor incorporated into the films. Disney has always been good at that and the Indiana Jones series is such a tasteful family movie. I just hate the pressures of being told to act my age or grow up. I’m still a kid, right?